Chapter 1:
The sky was dull and grey in the centre of Brussels when a four-door Bentley saloon drew up outside the building.
A burly man climbed from the rear door of the car and walked up to the building. The car moved off down the street and was to return in exactly one hour. No later, no earlier.
The man spoke into the intercom quietly and then stepped back, gazing at his reflection in the frosted glass panel. He held a briefcase by his side.
The door swung open automatically and the man stepped in. He found himself in a small reception area. Without hesitating, he proceeded through and emerged into the conference area beyond, the specimen tucked safely within the briefcase.
Nothing much moved outside. A single Police car cruised slowly up the street at exactly quarter past one. A single CCTV camera tracked its movements; ready to raise the alarm should anything happen. But it didn’t.
The meeting went on for over an hour and by the time it had finished there was a line of smart cars waiting outside.
The burly man who had entered last now exited last, the briefcase tucked under an arm. He was smiling. At last he had found a buyer. A Chinese businessman from Shanghai. The deal was set to take place exactly a week from now.
The man clambered back into the Bentley that now waited for him. Its engines roared and then it was off, cruising slowly through a world that was soon to be at war.
Chapter 2:
Dan Hawk smelt burning. He rolled over and glanced at his alarm clock. 7:00 a.m. There was a clatter as someone opened the door and then two voices burst into song.
“Happy birthday to you...” The chorus rang in his head and he groaned loudly.
Paula and Mark, his two Foster parents, were standing in the doorway holding a birthday cake, fifteen candles glowing orange. A kind gesture, they always did it, but he could’ve done with the extra sleep.
“Thanks,” Dan moaned, head spinning. He felt tired but gratefully received the cake, blowing the candles out.
It was Friday and Dan’s fifteenth birthday. Tomorrow was the weekend. What more could a fifteen year old ask for?
Dan thanked them again and then hopped into the shower. Ten minutes later he was standing by the front door, school uniform on, bag over one shoulder.
“See you later,” Dan said quickly before stepping out of the front door.
Dan lived in a small apartment in the middle of London, a two-minute walk from School. He set of casually, hands in pockets.
Dan was the kind of person you could walk past and not notice. Just an average teenager. He had scruffy
blonde hair and intelligent blue eyes. He was very laid back and often too much so, especially where his
homework was concerned!
Dan had almost reached the school gates when he did a double take. On the pavement lay a folder
inscribed with the letters: TOP SECRET.
Dan thought it must’ve been some gimmick, a child’s play toy. No real intelligence files were labelled ‘top
secret’. It was too conspicuous. But there was something else that Dan noticed.
Half of the file inside was missing but the intact half was all very professional. He bent down and picked
up the black folder, unsure of what to make of it.
There was a single page left, dog-eared at the edges, but none the less very matter-of-fact. There was the distant clang of a bell and Dan recognised it instantly. School was starting.
He thrust the file into his bag, bemused. Then he made a mental note to consult it later, and tried to enjoy the
rest of his birthday.
Joe had always been one of Dan’s best friends, ever since pre-school. He was like the brother Dan never had.
“You do like pizza, don’t you?” Paula asked Joe in her usual fussy manner. He was staying round for dinner and
the pair had just come in.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” Joe smiled, and Dan went to open the rest of his presents. When he was done he hugged
Paula, thanked her, and then went upstairs to play on his Playstation with Joe.
It was half an hour later when Dan remembered the strange file he had found earlier, labelled ‘top secret’.
He slipped form the room unnoticed, Joe transfixed by the screen. When he returned he was carrying the black
folder.
“Here take a look at this,” Dan said.
“What?”
“This. Found it earlier on the pavement. Thought it looked kind of weird so I kept it.”
He passed Joe the file and then craned his own neck for a closer look. The two read together:
Article 27
Safety precautions are of the utmost importance. The compound is on lockdown. No one enters or leaves
without a written decree by the overseer. We cannot be compromised now, we are nearing the objective. Soon
the world will be in chaos but the overseer has a backup system, one that will override that of a buyer should
they turn upon us. We must all understand the seriousness of this situation. If things go wrong then it could be
the end of human life on earth. Terrorist groups in...
The page had been ripped in several places below the first paragraph and was very dirty, making it impossible
to read.
The pair were silent for a moment. Joe was the first to speak.
“Get real, man,” he joked, nudging him in the shoulders.
“Hmm,” Dan mused. “It is a bit dubious.”
“A bit?!” Joe said, returning to racing on the playstation.
Dan lifted it up and read it through again but as he was doing so he felt something lumpy stuck to the
back of the paper. He turned it round and looked.
There was a small black clip attached to the paper, no bigger than a pinhead.
“Wait, have a look at...” Dan was cut of as Paula called up the stairs for dinner.
Dan ruminated once more upon the mysterious file. The world in chaos? The end of human life on earth?
None of it made sense.
Then, forgetting all thoughts of the file Dan raced after Joe for dinner.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Greetings, Henry, and a warm welcome to YWS!

I'm quite intrigued by this story thus far.
Nice! I love your direction; action, mystery, all of that great stuff here. I'm definitely going to follow this one along as you post more (should you choose to do so).
My main quip here is your pace. You're very fast in your writing, and for these sort of action/adventure stories, you want to keep an even, perfect pace as you go along. You don't need to be fast, because the audience can't tell what's going on; too slow will bore us. Find a middle, dearie, and stick to it.
Detail is good, but too much of it can be a pain. You've got information here that you need us to know, such as the blurb about Dan. Think realistic: If you're talking about someone in real life, would you describe them this way?
Most likely, no.
Find a middle with this, too, dear. Dan's got blue eyes; incorporate this somewhere else, such as where he finds the folder. Have his blue eyes scan the folder's contents briefly-- too much information about a character, clustered up in one spot generally serves as a tedious, boring stage in a story for your readers.
Keep a focus!
Towards the beginning, you have the burly man enter the building from outside. After we know this, a police car moves outside.
This is a distraction, to speak. You want organization when you write, dear. If you're outside, stay outside until you transition us inside, and once there, keep us there so as not to distract us until you transition. To jump from inside to outside in such a short stage of words is kind of... well, it's distracting.
Keep an eye on this same thing as you go along-- I noticed this same problem when Paula and Joe were introduced.
So! Hope that helped some-- if you would like more of my opinions, a more detailed review, more of anything, or just any random thing from me, PM me or leave a note in my guestbook, and I will be at your service.
June